US Cult of Consumption and Greed, Join Now!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Ever thought about joining a cult, but didn't want to give-up all your worldly possessions? Well, now you can! Les James here for the US Cult of Consumption and Greed.

My Search

For years I looked for a place that I could call home, a place with people just like me. You know, fat, decadent, over-consumers of the world's limited resources. Folks who work hard, and purchase goods and services they want, even if they don't really need them. Men and women who share my passion for never being employed at a "green job". People who know that all this environmental hysteria is just a pile of horse crap. Strike that, horse crap can be used as fertilizer and burned to create electricity. But you get the idea.

Then I discovered the US Cult of Consumption and Greed. It was the answer to my prayers, and it can be yours  too. But don't just take my word that this cult is everything you've always dreamed about. Read what the UK Guardian has to say:

US cult of greed is now a global environmental threat

The average American consumes more than his or her weight in products each day, fuelling a global culture of excess that is emerging as the biggest threat to the planet, according to a report published today. In its annual report, Worldwatch Institute says the cult of consumption and greed could wipe out any gains from government action on climate change or a shift to a clean energy economy.

How Can I Join?

The fact that you're sitting on your plump rump in front of a computer screen means you already have! Congratulations.

How Can I Participate?

Turn on all the lights in your house like Al Gore. Crank up the heater and AC at the same time. Then open all the doors and windows in your home. Order useless crap off the Internet. Throw away food you just don't feel like eating it. Leave the 60 inch plasma TV on all night. It's easy to be a member in good standing.

 See, you don't even have put on pants and leave the house to be a proud participant.

But if you must leave, warm-up the SUV for way too long. Go out of your way to get to where ever you are going, or just drive to watch the gas gauge fall. Cut down a tree and burn it for no good reason. Releasing all that harmful carbon dioxide. The possibilities are endless.  

But Wait, There's More! 

As a member of the Cult you can also be a dissident in the comfort of your very home home or 3/4 ton pick-up. The US government's official policy is that Global Warming and Climate Change is not a lie, hoax or fraud. It's the Gospel According to Barack truth. Show you contempt by consuming twice, or even three times, your body weight each day. Get really fat and increase your Carbon Footprint.

Let's all flip the bird to these Climate Change Nazis and Global Warming Fascist. Show them, we're proud members of the US Cult of Consumption and Greed.

Microsoft to the Global Warming Rescue

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Those geniuses at Microsoft have done it again. Weren’t these the same guys that brought us Vista? Anyway. Technology Chief Nathan Myhrvold thinks he’s found a cure for Global Warming. And get this; it’ll only cost $250 million. Yes, that’s million with an “m”, not billion with a “b”, or trillion … you get the point. I can find that kind of loose change under my sofa cushions and behind my truck’s seat. He claims it won’t disrupt the carbon-emitting world as we know it. Does that mean it will change it into something we don’t know? I don’t know.

Okay here’s the low-down. Myhrvold proposes we start pumping liquid sulfur dioxide into the stratosphere. It’s going to get shot out of nozzles from hoses we lift 15 miles up into the sky, by helium balloons. Too bad “Balloon Boy’s” parents are going to jail. This gig was right up their alley.

These sulfur clouds are supposed to cut down the sunlight in those pesky critical areas of the world by just enough to slow down or reverse the effects of *global warming. He calls this miracle a “Stratoshield.” Sounds like a new name for a tin foil hat to me.

“Since sulfur occurs naturally in the environment”, he says. “It will not disrupt our climate in a negative fashion, and will lower temperatures as desired in areas that need to be cooled.” Now correct me if I’m wrong, but if you add sulfur dioxide to water vapor (the leading offender in global warming) you get Acid Rain. According to Al Gore and alike, global warming has been steadily increasing since we mandated clean air, in order to stop things like Acid Rain.

Why are we always behind the power curve?

*ed note: didn't he get the memo it's called Climate Change now?